Time for a wee drizzle of sarcasm, so brace yourself as we talk about the Herculean Harry Milne, born on 29 October 1996, that makes him 28 by my calculations, but I might just be a genius. Hailing from the highlands and lowlands of bonny Scotland, Milne is a defender who mainly laces up his boots to position himself as a left back for the footballing colossus known as Hearts. The lad stands 6ft (1.83m) tall, or thereabout and he weighs 11st 13lb (76kg), so he's not exactly what you'd call a delicate flower. For those of you who marie kondo your focus on trivia, he sports the number 18 jersey.
And for the bean counters, the splendid website Transfermarkt estimates his current market value to be around £430k. So, he might not be rubbing shoulders with Messi anytime soon, but it's not exactly chump change either.
Now for a brief history lesson. Back in July 2015, young Milne left the idyllic pasture of the Scottish countryside to join the humble band of Cove Rangers in the League One. It's not the Champions League, but even Hercules had to start somewhere. And where did our hero go after a hefty stint with the Rangers, a step towards the dizzying heights of Scottish Championship football with Partick Thistle in July 2022.
By the way, Milne used to be quite the busy bee in his days at Partick Thistle, racking up a total of 79 first team appearances, and scoring a dazzling total of 10 goals, over about three seasons. Eventually, his future called, and in February 2025, he took flight from Thistle to land at Hearts in the Premiership. Again, no bags of gold were seen, just an "undisclosed fee", probably whittled down on a bar napkin. But since it's undisclosed, let's imagine that it rocked the economic foundations of world football.
Anyway, his Premiership adventure has thus far seen him grace Hearts' first team with twelve appearances and a spectacular goal. He's also run rampant in the League Cup 2025-2026, with three starts and one appearance as a substitute. So, not quite the Ballon d'Or contender, but when you stake your claim in Scottish football, every day is a battle. So, here's to Harry Milne, our very ordinary defender, living his extraordinary football life.
